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fresherhells:

totallycliched:

So we’re doing this again, except really badly? I don’t get it - has America run out of subcultures to exploit?

P.S. Love the seductive wheat-chewing, Kells. It elevates the picture to pure hilarity.

It seems like only yesterday that my boss informed me, “The Amish are over. They’re played out, ok? Stop with the fuckin’ Amish”. This outburst was in response to nearly every medical & crime procedural under the sun airing an episode about Rumspringa during the same TV season a few years ago. This trend was triggered by a documentary which (misleadingly) portrayed Rumspringa as a period during which Amish teenagers can leave home & screw, drink, or snort anything they want for a few years before deciding if they want to permanently return to the fold.

I personally didn’t want to stop with the fuckin’ Amish since the trend led to several consulting opportunities for me. Because according to TV, if you’re an Amish teenager & you dare venture out into American cities, the result is inevitably crack addiction, recruitment into a prostitution ring, and syphilis, followed by a fatal blunt force trauma to the head & Elliott Stabler looking down at your mangled corpse with his “I’m Intense! I’m Unhinged! I’m Too Close To This Case!” stare.

But based on the number of scripts I’ve seen recently which deal with America’s favorite Anabaptists, I predict the Amish will make a comeback & be totally hot this season. Most are for TV, but my favorite is for a movie - the police are investigating the murder of a young Amish woman (murder is usually the event that introduces TV/movie audiences to the Amish). Unusually for this genre, the Amish are not depicted as a stern & quiet race; here, some of them seem downright giddy, like the men who stand around stroking their beards and being folksy & jolly, like Santas in slimming black farming clothes.

One of the policewomen falls for an Amish man because he’s strong, sensitive, and portrayed by an actor with leading man facial features. One thing leads to another and pretty soon these two romantic outlaws are sassing each other in the one-room schoolhouse and exchanging suggestive looks over the butter churn. Supposedly this is a whodunit, but it reads more like a willtheydoit. It’s like, murdered Amish girl is interesting or whatever, but let’s get back to the possibility of illicit haystack sex.

As a bonus, the actress being floated as a possibility for the cop is so terrible she couldn’t believably scream for help if her hair was on fire. I’m pretty excited about this project because I think it will be unintentionally hilarious, which for my money is the best kind of hilarious.

P.S. Don’t rag on Kelly & her sexy grain-chewing - they couldn’t very well give her a lollipop to seductively fellate, could they? Agriculturally-based Amish Sexyface is Hollywood’s way of being culturally sensitive.